Should I give up on his father?

Dear Professor

Hi, I am an avid lurker of your page! lol! I enjoy reading about your time with your son and am at times touched to the point of tears and the pure love and dedication you have
for him, and him for you.

I am a single parent of a four year old son who has the polar opposite "relationship" with his father. I have extend all opportunities to his father (open visitation, inviting him to holidays, birthdays, having my son call him on Christmas, Father's Day, and his birthday) to develop a father/son bond. I have done this for almost 5 years now and am now thinking of just cutting what little contact they have. When I have attempted this in the past he begins to "act right" but it never lasts more than 3 months.

My son is realizing more and more that his dad in not around.

I have never used my son as a pawn during our break-up or anytime after that. When I think back to how many time I have swallowed my pride for the sake of their relation ship, it makes me angry and embarrassed.

So I guess I want to know should I pack it in, or continue to try and have open communication with his father?

PS I know I am not a friend. I hope did not know if you only answer these kinds of questions or just questions from your friend list. If so, sorry.

My thoughts...

It doesn't matter if you're a "friend" or not, an occasional lurker, or an avid commenter... you ask me a question and I'll answer. I could care less about the "popularity" game on MySpace, Facebook, or any other social networking site.

Now to address your question...

One of the unfortunate things about becoming a father is that it's pretty simple.

All a man has to do is bust a nut inside you on the right day (or wrong day, depending on how you look at it), sit back and wait for several months, and out comes a child. Getting a woman pregnant doesn't mean that all of a sudden a man is going to become a responsible, mature, father, it just means his nut go lucky.

As a society we promote women having a choice on whether or not they want to keep their children, but for fathers we tell them they have no choice. If she has your baby then you need to be there to take care of it. That's unfair, but it's the world we live in. A father should have a choice, REGARDLESS of what the mother decides. If he doesn't want to be a part of the child's life then that's his prerogative. You can and should not force it upon him.

The only exception is when it comes to financial responsibility.

Whether he wants the child or not you still should LEGALLY obligate him to pay (and don't just say, "just give me money whenever you can"). When you get into a car accident, you have to pay whether you want to or not. Same principle applies. A man has to accept some level of responsibility and writing a check every month is pretty easy.

With all of that said, your obligation as a mother is to just keep the lines of communication OPEN, not CREATE the lines. That man knows he has a child, there's no need for you to have the child call HIM on Christmas, Father's Day, etc. You just make it known that you won't hinder his relationship with his son and then you step back and allow him to decide what type of relationship he wants. If your son wants to talk to him every blue moon, let him. If the father only wants to act right a few months out of the year, then that's his problem. You just avoid making things difficult.

Your next obligation is to get a positive, male role model in your son's life. Whether it's an uncle, grandfather, volunteer from Big Brother program, etc. Again, just because a man's nut gets lucky doesn't make him to be an appropriate role model for a child. Your son is beginning to understand his father is not around, and if nothing else, his father is teaching him what NOT to be like to his children when he has his own.

Hope this helps.

Your thoughts...

Why are the fellas intimidated?

Dear Professor

I would like to hear the penis perspective on the educated independent averagely attractive sister who cant grasps whats intimidating the fellas. Or at least how to come across less articulate without having to lie and say that she is in nail school. Thanks

My thoughts...

There is absolutely NOTHING about an educated, independent, averagely attractive sister that's intimidating... nothing at all. Maybe a decade or so ago, when women wasn't as educated as they are now, it could have been intimidating, but now it's commonplace. There is a word that describes an educated, independent, averagely attractive sister, and it isn't intimidating.

It's average.

It's wonderful you possess those qualities... they're great to have... but there's nothing special about them unless you're seeking out dependent, uneducated men, that want a non-attractive woman in nail school. You need to look beyond those basic qualities, and ask yourself what's really intimidating the fellas. It's easy to say it's because of those things because it puts the problem on them, not you.

I don't know you personally, but sometimes when someone is educated they tend to talk down to others. I'm educated and when I read "penis perspective", I thought to myself, "who the hell talks like that?" By no means was I intimidated... it didn't scare me... but I'd be turned off. Of course, you don't need to lie, or feel like you're talking "dumb", but being articulate doesn't mean using $5 words. You can express yourself just as clearly and effectively with .05 words.

I'm assuming you have high self-esteem... and by all means you should. However, you want to make sure that just because you feel that way about you, you don't come across as demeaning or belittling to others. That isn't intimidating... it doesn't scare men... but it does turn them off. You may not think you come across that way, but others may. The only way you'll know how you come across is to simply ask. Communication is not what you say, but what the other person hears.

Since you didn't tell me specifically what you meant by intimidating, I assumed you meant you talk to them, and after a couple convos they lose interest. Now if you meant you're not even getting that far and simply not being approached, all I can tell you is raise your game. Again, an educated, independent, average looking women are a dime a dozen. What about you makes you stand out from the other 9 that are like you? If you don't have the answer, don't expect a man to. This brings up a completely different topic, but men expect more and are much more demanding of women then you are of us.

A woman would see those qualities in a man and assume he's a keeper, but a man would say, "is that all?" It's unfortunate, but it's the way, women have allowed it to be.

I'll stop, before we go to deep on that one.

What are your thoughts?

I deserve to be in love!

I was having a conversation with someone today about her past relationships and suddenly, she starts crying and yells,

"Why can't I find true love? I deserve it, dammit!"

I let her continue, while she gave me her resume':

I look good, real good.

I'm successful.

I have a wonderful career.

I make a very high income.

I own my home, and the cars in my driveway.

I love to take care of my man in every way.

I'm a good person with a wonderful heart and I just want to love and be in love.

Wow, that's a great resume'. You sound like the perfect catch, but you still haven't told me,

Why do you deserve love?!

I know this is going to be a shock to you, but your credentials or relationship resume' doesn't mean squat.

Just because you look good, doesn't mean, "Mr/Mrs. Wonderful" is going to come looking for you.

You don't find a partner just because you're successful and have a high income… not unless you want a sugar baby.

You don't find your ideal partner, just because you have a big heart and are a good person.

There is no such thing as falling in love, simply because you "deserve" to.

Have you ever gotten a job by simply showing your resume'?

Did you get your wonderful career and high income by just sitting on your ass and waiting for your boss to find a reason to give you a promotion?

Have you ever gotten anything worthwhile, just because?

Probably not.

So why should love be any different?

Why do you think love should just appear magically, like there really is a half naked, cupid running around, shooting "deserving" people with his arrows?

No work on your part. No mistakes. No bad relationships.

Just simply, "Hi Tom. I'm Jane. You're my soul mate. Let's get married and be happy forever."

Sounds foolish doesn't it?

Love is no different than everything else worthwhile that you've gotten.

It takes work, hard work. And just when you think you've worked enough…

Love will tell you to work some more.

If it makes you feel any better, look at it like this.

You haven't failed a bunch of times at finding love…

You just found a bunch of ways that don't work for finding love.

So pick yourself up. Evaluate what you're doing. Realize it isn't working and have the courage to change it.

Falling in love is easy. Learn how to stay in love.