Should I give up on his father?

Dear Professor

Hi, I am an avid lurker of your page! lol! I enjoy reading about your time with your son and am at times touched to the point of tears and the pure love and dedication you have
for him, and him for you.

I am a single parent of a four year old son who has the polar opposite "relationship" with his father. I have extend all opportunities to his father (open visitation, inviting him to holidays, birthdays, having my son call him on Christmas, Father's Day, and his birthday) to develop a father/son bond. I have done this for almost 5 years now and am now thinking of just cutting what little contact they have. When I have attempted this in the past he begins to "act right" but it never lasts more than 3 months.

My son is realizing more and more that his dad in not around.

I have never used my son as a pawn during our break-up or anytime after that. When I think back to how many time I have swallowed my pride for the sake of their relation ship, it makes me angry and embarrassed.

So I guess I want to know should I pack it in, or continue to try and have open communication with his father?

PS I know I am not a friend. I hope did not know if you only answer these kinds of questions or just questions from your friend list. If so, sorry.

My thoughts...

It doesn't matter if you're a "friend" or not, an occasional lurker, or an avid commenter... you ask me a question and I'll answer. I could care less about the "popularity" game on MySpace, Facebook, or any other social networking site.

Now to address your question...

One of the unfortunate things about becoming a father is that it's pretty simple.

All a man has to do is bust a nut inside you on the right day (or wrong day, depending on how you look at it), sit back and wait for several months, and out comes a child. Getting a woman pregnant doesn't mean that all of a sudden a man is going to become a responsible, mature, father, it just means his nut go lucky.

As a society we promote women having a choice on whether or not they want to keep their children, but for fathers we tell them they have no choice. If she has your baby then you need to be there to take care of it. That's unfair, but it's the world we live in. A father should have a choice, REGARDLESS of what the mother decides. If he doesn't want to be a part of the child's life then that's his prerogative. You can and should not force it upon him.

The only exception is when it comes to financial responsibility.

Whether he wants the child or not you still should LEGALLY obligate him to pay (and don't just say, "just give me money whenever you can"). When you get into a car accident, you have to pay whether you want to or not. Same principle applies. A man has to accept some level of responsibility and writing a check every month is pretty easy.

With all of that said, your obligation as a mother is to just keep the lines of communication OPEN, not CREATE the lines. That man knows he has a child, there's no need for you to have the child call HIM on Christmas, Father's Day, etc. You just make it known that you won't hinder his relationship with his son and then you step back and allow him to decide what type of relationship he wants. If your son wants to talk to him every blue moon, let him. If the father only wants to act right a few months out of the year, then that's his problem. You just avoid making things difficult.

Your next obligation is to get a positive, male role model in your son's life. Whether it's an uncle, grandfather, volunteer from Big Brother program, etc. Again, just because a man's nut gets lucky doesn't make him to be an appropriate role model for a child. Your son is beginning to understand his father is not around, and if nothing else, his father is teaching him what NOT to be like to his children when he has his own.

Hope this helps.

Your thoughts...